Health

COMPLAIN all you want, Switzerland doesn't care, it emerged last night.

REPORTS that a cat-borne parasite can seriously harm humans have been greeted with indifference by cats.

EXTREMELY low standards in your choice of partner are the key to a good sex life, it has been claimed.

MALE hair loss-related anxiety can be cured by growing a pair of balls and getting on with it, it has emerged.

BLOWJOBS are the answer to all problems according to a new scientific study which every man in the Western world has circled in red in the Metro and presented eagerly to his partner.

MARKETING consultants are to sell NHS neglect to foreign countries.

AS the doctors' strike begins, thousands of sick people have descended on their GP's natural habitat, the golf course.

SPERM actively enjoy alcohol and cigarettes, it has emerged.

DOCTORS have warned that millions of sober people are unprepared for the full horror of modern Britain.

BRITONS have been reminded that having a strong desire for spicy meat is not a reason to dial 999.