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Health

All things now healthy and unhealthy at the same time

EVERY possible lifestyle choice is simultaneously good and bad for you, it has been confirmed.

New form of plastic surgery makes people look better

A REVOLUTIONARY new type of plastic surgery does not make people look worse than they did before.

Men get their own bullshit body types

AFTER decades of women being described as being ‘pear-shaped’ and similar, men have been given their own contrived body shapes.

Homeopathy to cure itself

HOMEOPATHY will have eradicated itself by 2032, it has been confirmed.

Kids collecting cigarette packets for cool horror picture

CHILDREN as young as seven are collecting cigarette packets for the gruesome health warning.

Fitness 'a nightmare that never ends'

IF you want to be fit you have to keep doing exercise forever, it has emerged.

Aortic aneurysms caused by movement of Saturn, admits NHS

THE NHS has admitted some forms of heart disease are caused by the alignment of planets in the outer solar system.

Use Jaffa Cakes instead of tampons, says Osborne

THE government has urged women to save money on sanitary products by using Jaffa Cakes.

Skunk smokers secretly want something weaker

PEOPLE who claim to enjoy skunk would secretly like some normal weed that doesn’t make them feel as weird.

Non-smokers’ lungs look disgusting too

LUNGS look horrible regardless of whether their owner smokes, it has emerged.