International

ISRAEL'S attack on a Palestinian aid ship will make it easier for Guardian readers to sound as if they know what they are talking about, it was claimed last night.

DOZENS of women have written to Pope Benedict asking if Roman Catholic priests can be allowed the occasional hand job.

A MAN lost his job last night for claiming that Russians love bribing people.

FRANCE is facing its biggest upheaval in more than 40 years after a man from Nice wiped his bottom after going to the lavatory.

A MALTESE town is to cover its famous phallic statue in a school uniform to avoid offending the Pope.

AN American teenager has announced plans to scale Mount Everest so he can finally masturbate in peace.

THE Vatican really did have no knowledge of the Nazi's systematic extermination of Jews during World War II, it was claimed last night.

FORMER US president George W Bush has urged Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz to help secure the support of 'onionists' for the devolution of policing powers in Northern Ireland. 

SOUTH African president Jacob Zuma arrived in London last night on the first leg of his bid to buy Cheryl Cole.

TONY Blair has backed Colonel Gaddafi's call for the annihilation of everyone in Switzerland.