International

A BRITISH tourist last night described the moment he was attacked by Dannii Minogue while diving off the coast of Northern Australia.

THE Colorado balloon hoax is really a hoax balloon hoax, the FBI said last night.

A QUARTER of the world's population is unable to have a few sherberts or stare at some knockers they do not already own, according to new research.

POPE Benedict will fulfil a childhood dream next year by invading Britain as the infallible head of a fanatical regime. 

PRESIDENT Obama has cleared his schedule for a high level meeting with Bulgaria's deputy minister for sport.

EVERYONE said 'duuuh' last night after former US president Jimmy Carter accused Barack Obama's critics of racism.

COLONEL Gaddafi last night told Gordon Brown that it felt really good, but maybe he could try it with a couple of ice cubes in his mouth.

VENEZUELAN President Hugo Chavez has banned all material relating to Felicity Kendal, describing her as 'the ultimate sex totem of the idle bourgeoisie'.

FAT, stupid Americans with no health insurance have attacked plans to stop them dying so easily.

US SECRETARY of state Hillary Clinton has finally answered the Congolese student who wanted to know her husband's opinions, by shoving a large cigar up his backside.