International

RUSSIAN president Vladimir Putin has been told it is okay to have a smaller than average penis and that he can stop all this nonsense whenever he likes.

PRESIDENT Obama staged an awkward beer conference with a policeman and an angry professor last night, amid growing concerns he might not be very good at this.

FRENCH president Nicolas Sarkozy has finally been broken by his unbelievably hot wife, it has been confirmed.

CHINA last night vowed to destroy the moon after a solar eclipse reduced its industrial productivity by almost one percent.

THE 19 year-old British backpacker found after two weeks in the Australian outback will today be asked to explain why he smells so strongly of prostitutes and gin.

WHILE the world isn't looking, Sarah Palin has summoned an army of goblins, trolls and giant insects to her Alaskan fortress of evil.

THE security services have opened a 24-hour torture centre staffed by low-wage Indian workers, it was claimed last night.

THE world became a safer place last night after the United States and Russia agreed to keep just enough nuclear weapons to kill every living thing on the face of the Earth twice.

PRESIDENT Sarkozy has criticised the wearing of burkas by French muslims, insisting they stop people seeing what an incredibly hot wife you have, if you have one, which he does.

BARACK Obama urged Twitter to postpone a planned upgrade so that Iranians could continue to exchange their meaningless thoughts about television programmes and clothes.