International

THE relatives pocketing the pension of a Japanese man who had been dead in his bed for 30 years were last night asked exactly how they thought this was going to pan out.

DAVID Cameron will today ask President Obama if there is any chance he could bring back Dallas.

AID organisations are parachuting emergency fried breakfasts into Greece after a tour operator's collapse left thousands of Britons stranded without proper bacon.

IF the Home Office has even a shred of decency left it will immediately replace Anna Chapman with something of comparable humpability, Britain's men said last night.

IRAN is hoping to attract thousands of Western tourists after rebranding itself as the ultimate destination for lovers.

PAUL, the psychic octopus, has been inundated with knickers from thousands of randy women.

ANNA CHAPMAN, the suspected Russian spy, also has a cracking set of charlies, the FBI confirmed last night.

THE people of Belgium faked the destruction of their country in a bid to meet Angelina Jolie, it has emerged.

BP is to set up an oil spill compensation fund which experts say will ultimately be used to buy country and western music and books about creationism.

PRESIDENT Obama's handling of the Gulf oil spill is starting to make him come across as a bit of an arsehole, it emerged today.