International

LIBYAN leader Colonel Gaddafi has been offered sanctuary by the internet's legion of keyboard warriors.

UK attempts to rescue British citizens trapped in Libya have convinced most of them to dig a big hole in the sand and live in it.

LIBYA was split down the middle last night over how Colonel Gaddafi should eventually be killed.

YOU are probably in Venezuela, foreign secretary William Hague has confirmed.

THE wave of protest across the Middle East needs a unifying theme that any moron can understand, it was claimed last night.

THE Egyptian army last night thanked demonstrators in Cairo for their military coup, adding that it was a very nice one.

HOSNI Mubarak has been urged to resign by the dog-faced space aliens who founded Egypt more than 8,000 years ago.

NEW York is bidding to reverse its plummeting violent crime figures by not letting anybody smoke.

THOUSANDS of panicked UK tourists in Egypt contacted the Foreign Office last night after it emerged their mojito had still not arrived.

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.