International

ROBERT Mugabe no longer commands the support of the Zimbabwean people and must resign from office, Ricky and Bianca said last night.

JAPAN is offering free whaling lessons and discounts on harpoons in a bid to encourage more people to take up its favourite leisure pursuit.

RUSSIA'S new president has told the nation's army of poisoners it is 'business as usual'.

DEMOCRATIC frontrunner Barak Obama has been forced to deny claims he had sex with a turban during a visit to Africa.

A GROUP of Saudi men jailed for flirting have claimed they were driven to it by a provocatively dressed woman who flashed the bridge of her nose at them.

IF Britain wants to pay more than £15 for a DVD player then it may as well just go ahead and boycott the Beijing Olympics, the prime minister said last night.

INDIANA Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has condemned the Chinese as a 'gang of no-good scumbags' claiming they tried to poison him in a Shanghai nightclub.

THE UN secretary general has written to the prime minister of Thailand asking why they don't just eat toasted sandwiches.

A JUBILANT Mitt Romney last night promised 'wives for all' after storming to victory in the Michigan primary contest.

THE French have abandoned their traditional disinterest in the private lives of politicians, labeling the girlfriend of President Sarkozy a 'total pump'.