International

THE Egyptian army last night thanked demonstrators in Cairo for their military coup, adding that it was a very nice one.

HOSNI Mubarak has been urged to resign by the dog-faced space aliens who founded Egypt more than 8,000 years ago.

NEW York is bidding to reverse its plummeting violent crime figures by not letting anybody smoke.

THOUSANDS of panicked UK tourists in Egypt contacted the Foreign Office last night after it emerged their mojito had still not arrived.

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.

SARAH Palin has hit out at her critics in the wake of the Tuscon shootings claiming they have fired at her 'with a semi-automatic hunting rifle of injustice'.

THE United States has taken another small step towards realising they are not all the stars of some badly written melodrama.

INTERNATIONAL diplomats have been given a tour of Iran's nuclear facilities after finding a golden ticket inside a Lion Bar.

PROSTITUTES across Spain are ordering a range of home improvements after their earning estimates for next year were revised upwards.

THE Vatican blocked a visit by French first lady Carla Bruni in order to prevent a full-scale Papal engorgement, it has been confirmed.