International

PAUL, the psychic octopus, has been inundated with knickers from thousands of randy women.

ANNA CHAPMAN, the suspected Russian spy, also has a cracking set of charlies, the FBI confirmed last night.

THE people of Belgium faked the destruction of their country in a bid to meet Angelina Jolie, it has emerged.

BP is to set up an oil spill compensation fund which experts say will ultimately be used to buy country and western music and books about creationism.

PRESIDENT Obama's handling of the Gulf oil spill is starting to make him come across as a bit of an arsehole, it emerged today.

ISRAEL'S attack on a Palestinian aid ship will make it easier for Guardian readers to sound as if they know what they are talking about, it was claimed last night.

DOZENS of women have written to Pope Benedict asking if Roman Catholic priests can be allowed the occasional hand job.

A MAN lost his job last night for claiming that Russians love bribing people.

FRANCE is facing its biggest upheaval in more than 40 years after a man from Nice wiped his bottom after going to the lavatory.

A MALTESE town is to cover its famous phallic statue in a school uniform to avoid offending the Pope.