International

THE Pope was last night accused of using British taxpayers to protect himself from non-sexually transmitted bullets.

BEING trapped down a mine shaft in Chile for four months is starting to sound not too bad, men across Britain said last night.

THE Chinese were celebrating another great leap forward today as their lives finally achieved Western levels of hellish pointlessness.

ONE in five Americans believe that President Barack Obama is a car that can talk, according to a new survey.

THE Scottish government has conceded that the dishevelled young man it gave 50 pence to last year has probably spent it on drugs or alcohol.

PLANS to build a state-of-the-art library next to Republican catastrophe Sarah Palin are causing outrage across mainstream America.

LOURDES, home of the magic Jesus bath, has added fake car bombs to its hoax repertoire.

SUPERMODEL Naomi Campbell was at the head of a brutal war machine that slaughtered thousands, it was claimed last night.

NAOMI Campbell has revealed how her appearance at some silly war crimes trial had forced her to delay a vital eyelash conditioning appointment.

OUTKAST sex hurricane Andre '3000' Benjamin has launched a bid to become President of the People's Funkpublic of Funkadonia.