Lifestyle

BRITAIN’S neighbours intend to trim their hedges relentlessly until Autumn, they have announced.

A MAN never just gets up and instead hits snooze on his clock radio until the last possible moment before he has to go to work.

A MAN'S first attempt to find a more spiritual way of life was scuppered by the almost instantaneous arrival of an erection.

A WOMAN who has pulled the same pouty face in every mirror and photograph for the last 14 years has no idea she looks idiotic.

A MAN who accidentally agreed to a night out with friends is terrifyingly close to having to actually go through with it, he has confessed.

LIVING on a boat appears relaxed but actually involves things like emptying a big box of your own excrement on a regular basis, it has emerged.

A MAN thinks he looks really wise by referencing the song Won’t Get Fooled Again in any situation involving disappointment.

WOMEN only visit skincare counters because they secretly love being told how shit their skin is, they have confirmed.

IT’S summer so it’s time to get obsessed with bullshit body trends like having a ‘Toblerone tunnel’. If you’re unsure what that is, read our helpful guide to unhealthy body shapes.

A 47-YEAR-OLD woman has confessed that being offered cocaine at a gig has made her feel like a teenager again.