Lifestyle

BEEN through an experience that was abjectly shit, but you’re trying to spin it? Here are five useful euphemisms for when you’ve been through the wringer.

THANKS to the miracle of television nobody needs hobbies. Yet people still piss away their free time on these dull activities:

YOU have a nice flat with framed stuff on the walls, like in films. But why the f**k did you go and frame that?

A CAT is trying to live an upmarket, Sheba lifestyle on Whiskas money, it has emerged.

Rugged Northerners are unfazed by the impending winter energy crisis. No-nonsense Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs explains his survival tactics.

HATE mornings? Want to extend that feeling to the rest of the day? These tried-and-tested methods will ruin the whole week.

KIDS are weird, and the crap they play with is equally f**ked up. Take these five unhinged toys.

TOTAL f**king bastards who sat and watched everyone else try to enjoy themselves on British holidays have been cleared to go abroad.

INSULTING people is too complicated these days, what with irritating epithets such as 'cockwomble'. Here are some old classics:

ME? I’m the guy in earbuds. All day every day, from the train to the coffeeshop to the office, through every conversation. Because I’m a dick, that’s why.