Wild swimming and other things the Guardian can't f**king stop writing about

THERE are some topics this broadsheet seems to have a psychotic obsession with. Here are some we’ve honestly heard enough about...

How to spot the most cretinous possible interview subjects: A BBC reporter's guide

ARE you a BBC reporter canvassing public opinion out in the regions? Make sure you get an unrepresentative sample of dickheads with these tips.

Orphaned baby llama befriends orphaned baby walrus: five uplifting news stories we just made up

NEED a boost? These touching stories of human heroism, animal friendship and insect ingenuity invented on the spot should do the trick.

Flaunting curves: the Daily Mail's breakdown of everything a woman does wrong while walking down the street

NOTHING stirs the moral outrage of a Mail reader like the sight of a young woman shamelessly out in public. Here’s that needless provocation broken down,

Boris naked outside Westminster on rope after being caught shagging Gove's wife a 'non-story', says BBC

THE BBC will not report on Boris Johnson absailing down Westminster Palace naked after being caught in flagrante with Sarah Vine because it is a ‘non-story’.

The timeline of the Daily Mail’s vendetta against Meghan from now to 2081AD

THE Daily Mail shows no sign of ending its incensed vendetta against the Duchess of Sussex. Here’s how it will continue for the next six decades.

Five knobheads Good Morning Britain could stick next to Susanna Reid

WHO could possibly fill Piers Morgan’s clown shoes? Well, any one of these knobheads could step in as Good Morning Britain co-host seamlessly.

The art of pissing on your chips, by Piers Morgan

ONTO a good thing? Want to completely f**k it up for yourself by going too far? Let me, the expert, show you how it’s done.

Daily Mail readers prepare for their Two Hours Hate

DAILY Mail readers are looking forward to settling down on the sofa to pour out undiluted hatred for two continuous hours.

The Mail on Sunday's sarcastic apology to Meghan Markle

THE Duchess of Sussex has demanded a front page apology from the Mail on Sunday after winning her court case against them. Here’s how they’ll do it.