Science & Technology

Bono To Create Black Hole Of Awfulness

NATO was on full alert last night after pop-shouter Bono threatened to read a 14-minute poem about Elvis on Radio Four.

Search Engine Developers Unveil Total Waste Of Time

SOFTWARE developers have unveiled a new search engine that is both highly accurate and a complete waste of everyone's time.

Artificial Intelligence Now Equal To Premier League Footballer

SCIENTIST working on simulated brains have developed a model which shows the primitive insight and deductive reasoning of a Rio Ferdinand, it was claimed last night.

Windows 7 To Include Punch-Screen Technology

MICROSOFT has confirmed its new Windows 7 operating system will allow users to interact with their computer by punching it in its bastarding face.

Global Catastrophe Warnings Reach Monthly Quota

THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.

Apple Unveils Moyles-Pod

APPLE has unveiled a new 4GB MP3 player which will be dominated by the voice of disc jockey Chris Moyles laughing at his own flatulence.

Scientists To Continue Stem-Cell Research Purely To Annoy Christians

LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.

'Obscene' Gravity Must Be Repealed, Says Harman

THE government is to repeal the law of gravity because quite a lot of people don't like it anymore.

Scientists Uncover Earliest Threesome

SCIENTISTS have uncovered the earliest evidence of pre-historic man's attempts to persuade two women to join him in a threesome.

Single Phone Charger To End Multiple Phone Charger Madness

AN historic agreement last night brought the world one step closer to ending the insanity of having several different kinds of mobile phone charger.