Science & Technology

SCIENTIST working on simulated brains have developed a model which shows the primitive insight and deductive reasoning of a Rio Ferdinand, it was claimed last night.

MICROSOFT has confirmed its new Windows 7 operating system will allow users to interact with their computer by punching it in its bastarding face.

THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.

APPLE has unveiled a new 4GB MP3 player which will be dominated by the voice of disc jockey Chris Moyles laughing at his own flatulence.

LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.

THE government is to repeal the law of gravity because quite a lot of people don't like it anymore.

SCIENTISTS have uncovered the earliest evidence of pre-historic man's attempts to persuade two women to join him in a threesome.

AN historic agreement last night brought the world one step closer to ending the insanity of having several different kinds of mobile phone charger.

EUROPEAN and American scientists are locked in a thrilling neck and neck race to discover a profoundly important particle that no-one cares about in the slightest.

SNOW is a delicate substance made of tiny ice crystals and unlikely to last forever, the Met Office claimed last night.