Science & Technology

Scientists In Race To Discover Particle No-One Else Cares About

EUROPEAN and American scientists are locked in a thrilling neck and neck race to discover a profoundly important particle that no-one cares about in the slightest.

Snow does eventually melt, claims Met Office

SNOW is a delicate substance made of tiny ice crystals and unlikely to last forever, the Met Office claimed last night.  

Worthless, Ill-Informed Opinions In Every Home By 2012

EVERY home in Britain will have access to an endless stream of worthless, ill-informed opinions by 2012, under new government proposals.

Scientists Unveil Energy Efficient Porno-Kettle

SCIENTISTS have invented a three-litre electric kettle with limescale filter, single-cup facility and an eight-inch LCD screen showing boiling-hot Amsterdam horse action.

Wind Turbine Damage 'May Not Have Been Aliens'

DAMAGE to a Lincolnshire wind farm turbine may not have been caused by aliens, experts claimed last night.

UK Maths Failures Cost Economy Really Big Number

BRITAIN'S poor standards in maths are costing the economy a flabillion and one every year, a new report suggests.

Scientists Break Planet

SCIENTISTS who accidentally drilled into a magma chamber under a volcano in Hawaii have broken the planet, it was confirmed last night.

Microsoft To Launch Range Of Clothing That Doesn't Work

MICROSOFT is to launch a range a range of branded t-shirts that need to be constantly updated, it was announced last night.

Anti-Ageing Creams Are 98% Bullshit, Say Scientists

WOMEN'S anti-ageing face creams contain up to 98% bullshit, according to a new study.

Apple Accused Of Exaggerating How Much You Matter

APPLE has been forced to withdraw its latest iPhone advert because it exaggerates how busy you are and how significant your life is.