Science & Technology

THE millionth word to enter the English language will simply be another term for cock, experts confirmed last night.

MOST people in the UK believe the right to toss themselves silly is as important as clean, running water, according to new research.

MICROSOFT has unveiled a hands-free controller X-box which will open-up the empty, soul-destroying tedium of video games to everyone.

QUIET, bespectacled female librarians really do go like a bloody train, it was confirmed last night.

NATO was on full alert last night after pop-shouter Bono threatened to read a 14-minute poem about Elvis on Radio Four.

SOFTWARE developers have unveiled a new search engine that is both highly accurate and a complete waste of everyone's time.

SCIENTIST working on simulated brains have developed a model which shows the primitive insight and deductive reasoning of a Rio Ferdinand, it was claimed last night.

MICROSOFT has confirmed its new Windows 7 operating system will allow users to interact with their computer by punching it in its bastarding face.

THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.

APPLE has unveiled a new 4GB MP3 player which will be dominated by the voice of disc jockey Chris Moyles laughing at his own flatulence.