Science & Technology

Police To Explain Why They Stopped Football Fans From Killing Each Other

SENIOR police officers have been told to explain why they prevented rival gangs of West Ham and Millwall fans from beating each other to death last night.

Northern Folk Terrified By Angry Sky Magic

PEOPLE across Northern England fled in panic last night claiming the 'cloud gods were shooting darts of angry fire across the sky'.

Scientists Invent Dildo That Can Remove Spiders

MEN were declared obsolete last night after scientists finally perfected a dildo that can remove spiders from a bathtub.

Earliest Bible Clearly A Novel

THE Codex Sinaiticus, believed to be the oldest surviving Bible, features a garish embossed cover and an endorsement from the Emperor Constantine describing it as a 'supernatural page-turner par excellence'.

Do not be afraid of shiny, yellow ball in sky, say experts

SCIENTISTS are urging people not to panic when a large, shiny yellow ball appears in the skies over Britain this week.

Steve Jobs Forced To Accept Badly Designed Liver

APPLE boss Steve Jobs was last night recovering well despite being forced to accept a transplanted liver that was badly designed and with limited scope for expensive upgrades.

Millionth Word Will Be Euphemism For Penis, Say Experts

THE millionth word to enter the English language will simply be another term for cock, experts confirmed last night.

UK Demands Porn As Basic Human Right

MOST people in the UK believe the right to toss themselves silly is as important as clean, running water, according to new research.

Microsoft Games Controller Will Allow Everyone To Be Tedious

MICROSOFT has unveiled a hands-free controller X-box which will open-up the empty, soul-destroying tedium of video games to everyone.

Librarians go like the clappers, say experts

QUIET, bespectacled female librarians really do go like a bloody train, it was confirmed last night.