Science & Technology

GORILLAS who display signs of human-like emotions and reasoning are still no closer to building a Delorean that can travel through time, experts have claimed.

THE Vatican is possessed by lots of perverts who like to fiddle with little boys, according to a scientist.

THE amusement factor of the first commercially available jetpack lasts about five minutes, it emerged last night.

THE mysterious substance which makes up 90 percent of the universe may be able to destroy Uri Geller, scientists have claimed.

A NEW interpretation of the Bible suggests that God did not create the Earth, but stumbled upon it while looking for a magazine.

SCIENTISTS have discovered the world's first Guardian-reading spider and are already bored of its never-ending torrent of opinions about everything.

RUSSELL Brand is having furtive, unsatisfying sex with you right now, it has emerged.

SEARCH engine giant Google has opened trials of GoogleFrot, a new application designed to create a global network of simultaneous groin-rubbing.

THERE were fresh demands last night for the rest of the world's clowns to be fired into orbit immediately.

SCIENTISTS have claimed that the moon could support middle-class life forms after the discovery of a crater containing a Pizza Express and an excellent primary school.