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Science & Technology

Sandwich to stay disappointing for two weeks

ADVANCES in food technology mean that pre-packed sandwiches can now retain their disappointingness for up to 14 days.

Lock your PC in a cage, say experts

YOUR computers intends to strangle you while you sleep, experts have warned.

Scientists grow kebab meat on a sheep

GENETICISTS have created a sheep that produces kebab meat, it emerged last night.

New insect repellent causes mosquitoes to target Geordies

A NEW repellent designed to deter mosquitoes has given the insects an insatiable hunger for Geordies.

Hawking calculates non-existence of heaven

PROFESSOR Stephen Hawking has calculated that heaven does not exist.

Chromebook to remove final hiding place

THE Chromebook will remove the final place where consumers can try and hide from Google, the company has announced.

Cash-strapped Area 51 tells captive aliens to get a job

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS living at the American military's secret containment facility must go out and earn their keep, it was announced last night.

Marijuana use linked to productivity

THE release of Snoop Dogg's 11th studio album is evidence of a link between marijuana use and prolific work rate, experts have claimed.

Yes, it does do telly, weary Sony tells UK

ELECTRONICS giant Sony has grudgingly responded to the British public's single question about its sophisticated new tablet computer.

Jesus loved eggs, say experts

THE mystic role of eggs in Easter is based on Christ's love of eating them, experts have claimed.