Science & Technology

Dark Matter Could Destroy Uri Geller, Say Scientists

THE mysterious substance which makes up 90 percent of the universe may be able to destroy Uri Geller, scientists have claimed.

God Found Earth Among Some Of His Other Stuff, Claims Expert

A NEW interpretation of the Bible suggests that God did not create the Earth, but stumbled upon it while looking for a magazine.

Scientists Discover Tedious, Left-Wing Spider

SCIENTISTS have discovered the world's first Guardian-reading spider and are already bored of its never-ending torrent of opinions about everything.

Russell Brand Is Currently Having Sex With You

RUSSELL Brand is having furtive, unsatisfying sex with you right now, it has emerged.

Google Launches Collaborative Self-Pleasuring Tool

SEARCH engine giant Google has opened trials of GoogleFrot, a new application designed to create a global network of simultaneous groin-rubbing.

New Calls For All-Clown Space Station

THERE were fresh demands last night for the rest of the world's clowns to be fired into orbit immediately.

Moon Could Support Middle-Class Life, Say Experts

SCIENTISTS have claimed that the moon could support middle-class life forms after the discovery of a crater containing a Pizza Express and an excellent primary school.

Cash-Strapped Nasa Lands On Swindon

A MANNED mission to Swindon touched down successfully last night near the town's factory outlet village.

Foul-Tempered Robots To Act As Elderly Companions

ROBOTS who dislike foreigners and other people's cats are being sold as companions for the elderly.

Reality Altered To Suit Wikipedia

ENTIRE cities are to be moved and species made extinct to correspond with what it says on Wikipedia, it was confirmed last night.