Science & Technology

SCIENTISTS have claimed that the moon could support middle-class life forms after the discovery of a crater containing a Pizza Express and an excellent primary school.

A MANNED mission to Swindon touched down successfully last night near the town's factory outlet village.

ROBOTS who dislike foreigners and other people's cats are being sold as companions for the elderly.

ENTIRE cities are to be moved and species made extinct to correspond with what it says on Wikipedia, it was confirmed last night.

SENIOR police officers have been told to explain why they prevented rival gangs of West Ham and Millwall fans from beating each other to death last night.

PEOPLE across Northern England fled in panic last night claiming the 'cloud gods were shooting darts of angry fire across the sky'.

MEN were declared obsolete last night after scientists finally perfected a dildo that can remove spiders from a bathtub.

THE Codex Sinaiticus, believed to be the oldest surviving Bible, features a garish embossed cover and an endorsement from the Emperor Constantine describing it as a 'supernatural page-turner par excellence'.

SCIENTISTS are urging people not to panic when a large, shiny yellow ball appears in the skies over Britain this week.

APPLE boss Steve Jobs was last night recovering well despite being forced to accept a transplanted liver that was badly designed and with limited scope for expensive upgrades.