Science & Technology

Go And Tidy Your Room, Say Scientists

STOP that right now and go and tidy your room this instant, leading scientists said last night. 

Teleportation device not quite there yet, says disembodied head

STAR Trek-style teleportation is months away from becoming a scientific reality, the disembodied head of its inventor insisted last night.

Hybrid Embryo Escapes From North East Lab

BRITAIN'S first hybrid embryo was on the run last night after escaping from its laboratory cage.

Experts close to discovering secret pointlessness of Stonehenge

SCIENTISTS have started a fresh excavation at Stonehenge in the hope of confirming, once and for all, the ancient monument's complete and utter pointlessness.

Werewolves Back Hybrid Embryo Bill

BRITAIN'S werewolves have thrown their weight behind the government's plan to legalise terrifying hybrid embryos.

Web Users Tell Phorm To Phuck Off

PHORM, the internet advertising spy, has been told to 'phuck right off' by a majority of web users.

Tiny Island People Were Ewoks, Not Hobbits, Say Scientists

THE tiny human-like bones found on a South Pacific Island may have belonged to small furry creatures known as 'Ewoks', and not Hobbits as previously thought.

Cutting-Edge Scientists Condemned To 8th Circle Of Hell, Says Vatican

SCIENTISTS engaged in cutting edge bio-genetic research will be condemned to the eighth circle of Hell, surrounded for all time by panderers and seducers, the Vatican said last night.

French Scientists In Flubber Breakthrough

A TEAM of French scientists is claiming a major breakthrough in the development of a useable type of flubber.

Women Call For £10 Billion G-Spot Expedition

BRITISH women are calling for an 'unprecedented national effort' after new scientific evidence suggested the fabled G-spot may be real.