Science & Technology

Would-Be Saints Must Have Virgin Mary's Mobile Number, Says Vatican

CANDIDATES for sainthood will have to meet more demanding criteria, including regular contact with the Virgin Mary, either via mobile phone or email.

Humans Declare War On Earth-Like Planets

THE Milky Way galaxy could contain thousands of planets with conditions suitable for life and war, according to new research.

Heathrow Installs Roulette Wheel Luggage System

ALL luggage checked-in at Heathrow airport is to be thrown onto a giant roulette wheel in a bid to increase its chances of arriving at the correct destination. 

Nokia Unveils Pointless Thing

MOBILE phone giant Nokia has pledged to make pocket maps obsolete with the launch of a map that fits in your pocket.

Designer Unveils Hypersonic Invisibility Boots

A BRITISH designer has unveiled plans for a pair of hypersonic  boots which will enable the wearer to walk from Europe to Australia in less than 10 seconds while remaining totally invisible.

Apple To Charge $2000 For Shit In A Box

APPLE boss Steve Jobs yesterday unveiled the computer giant's latest eye-catching innovation: one of his shits in a simple white box.

Scientists Unveil World's Fastest Carrot

SCIENTISTS in the US last night claimed they had created a ‘supercarrot’ with a top speed of nearly 770 mph.

Everything To Become Smaller And More Expensive, Says Gates

IN five years time everything you buy will be much smaller and cost a great deal more money, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has confirmed.

Google Aims To Capture Market For Inaccurate Crap

GOOGLE is to create its own internet encyclopaedia in a bid to corner the growing market for online bollocks.

Humans 'Not Evolved Enough' To Keep Quiet During A Film

HUMAN evolution is speeding up but most people are still genetically unable to keep their fucking mouths shut while watching a film, scientists said last night.