Society

Not thanking a driver who's let you through, and other minor slights that should carry the death penalty

CAPITAL punishment can seem harsh, but the following non-criminal offences should undoubtedly lead to the death penalty without the need for a trial.

Five basic facts dads will never know about their kids

WORRIED about the huge responsibility of fatherhood? Chill out. It’s such a walk in the park that you don’t even need to learn these simple facts about your kids.

Twat with suspiciously happy memories of school yet to clock he was a bully

AN irredeemable bastard has yet to realise that the reason he has fond memories of school is because he bullied everyone else.

How to convince yourself you like the home you can afford

NOBODY can afford to buy a house and renting is hell. Convince yourself you're delighted with what your budget stretches to with these lies.

Outrage as new Highway Code makes it an offence to run down cyclists

MOTORISTS are outraged by the release of a new Highway Code which, for the first time, makes it an offence to run down cyclists. 

Man in 12th floor flat feels fully safe from catastrophic rise in sea levels

A MAN who was prudent enough to buy a 12th floor flat is sure that he has no need to worry about any future four foot rise in sea levels due to climate change.

The cliched dangers of drugs, by someone who's never touched them

IS YOUR knowledge of recreational drugs based on recycled anecdotes and terrifying cliches? Stephen Malley, who has only experimented with bitter, explains the effects.

Which bollocks conspiracy theory is right for you?

TIME on your hands? Phone already in them? Why not plunge down the rabbit hole of a conspiracy? But which paranoid nonsense to opt for?

Lunch or dinner, pastie or pasty, scone or scone? The pathetic issues that divide Britain

NOW Brexit’s over, the nation has turned eagerly to the contentious issues that divided it irrevocably in happier times.

'A damp squid' and other phrases people mangle horribly

THE English language is complex so it's easy to make mistakes. But these mangled phrases are never acceptable.