Society

FLICKING through your local newspaper in the hope of seeing someone you were at school with sent down for GBH? You’ll see these stories.

A WOMAN who has messaged implying she is mere moments away from a rendezvous sent it from the bath.

ARE you British? Then you’ve apologised, often repeatedly, for these things that really weren’t your fault.

YOU’VE made the terrible mistake of agreeing to meet, visit or otherwise interact with a close personal friend. How can you get out of it?

EVERYONE still remembers that one teacher that, even 30 years later, they hate with a passion entirely undimmed. Which of these was yours?

THE UK is deluding itself that a wet, windy and f**king freezing spring means it can look forward to a lovely long hot summer.

TENANTS are scrubbing a flat from top to bottom before they move out as if it will actually get them their deposit back.

EXPERTS agree that your use of language says a great deal about whether you are a twat or not. Rate your vocabulary on our entirely scientific ‘twatometer’.

A NEW public body called Great British Railways is to be in charge of doubling fares semi-annually. But how will it work? 

NEED to quickly pop into the bank to see how overdrawn you are? These time-wasting bastards will turn this simple errand into a drawn-out slog.