Society

A LONDONER is desperately attempting to believe that thieves on mopeds stealing your phone were what he moved to the capital for.

THE only way to be charming and self-assured is to be a little bit drunk the whole time, it has been confirmed.

A VOTER who thought a policy in Labour’s manifesto sounded ‘attractive’ is slapping his own face repeatedly and telling himself to ‘wake up’.

PEOPLE only use food banks so they can spend their benefits on fags and booze, according to a man who has imagined the problem thoroughly.

MEN have agreed that marriage takes work, that it is a marathon not a sprint, and the toughest part is when the wife scrapes the car again.

A MAN is studying a menu and making inane comments in a bid to convince his fellow diners that he might ordering anything but a burger.

A COUPLE have asked their wedding guests to suggest songs for their party playlist, provided they are the kind of tracks they would have chosen anyway.

LIFE'S most important decisions are best ignored and put off until they become absolutely impossible to avoid, a study has confirmed.

IMMIGRATION to the UK will be cut to just two people who are acceptable to Britain’s racists and xenophobes, the government has announced.

A WOMAN is furious about the time she spent shaving her legs in preparation for a dreadful date with a twat, it has emerged.