Society

PIRATE personas are limited to saying one syllable in a funny voice, it has been confirmed.

A 10-YEAR-OLD has been suspended by her headmaster just for having an obscene anti-school slogan shaved into her hair.

A TAILGATER on the fast lane of the M1 has been shocked to discover another car a short distance ahead of the one that was blocking him.

THE new owner of a bread maker is considering taking the machine into the garden and smashing it into a million pieces.

A 29-YEAR-OLD woman is desperate to meet a suitable man then dump him because of a small detail in his looks or mannerisms.

OFFICE staff were confused this morning after a colleague arrived with wet-look gel in his hair.

TOTAL bastards have responded to the latest tragedy with a sudden interest in looking after their neighbours.

A GIRLFRIEND has completed the process of annexing every item of her boyfriend’s wardrobe.

THOUSANDS of heroic Britons are selflessly downing extra pints of beer in the name of fiscal solvency.

A MAN from Leeds came within a split second of putting a row of Xs at the bottom of a text message to a woman he likes.