Society

Prescription drugs cause liberal outburst

A COMMITTED racist and homophobe has blamed pain-killing medication for a string of cogent arguments in favour of multi-culturalism and gay rights.

Woman’s arty gift shop is a shrine to pointlessness

THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so f*cking irrelevant.

Ruined ski holidays put smile on everyone else's faces

A SHORTAGE of snow in the Alps has cheered up thousands who love to see the middle classes spend money on going to see some rocks.

Drinking during day temporarily not shameful

THE social stigma attached to daytime drinking sessions has been lifted for the festive season.

Things men want for Christmas have no physical form

THE most popular men’s Christmas presents, including books, music and computer games, no longer exist as physical things.

Totally unreasonable bastards expecting man to do his job

A MAN is being unfairly expected to do the job he is paid to do, it has emerged.

Star Wars character names coming to a nursery near you

MORON parents are to call their babies things like Poe and Kylo Ren, it has been confirmed.

Birthdays cancelled for a month

ANYONE unlucky enough to have a birthday in the next month might as well not bother, research has shown.

Pint spillage forgiven in most grudging possible manner

A MAN has ostensibly forgiven the accidental spillage of his pint while maintaining a threat level close to maximum.

Relationships to be privatised

ALL romantic relationships will soon be provided by private companies, the government has announced.