Society

THE influx of hipsters to East London has resulted in a new hybrid species, scientists have announced.

A 42-YEAR-OLD man has been named as the UK's new lowest common denominator.

A DOG walker has bagged a pile of fresh canine faeces then put it back in almost the same place.

POSTCARDS featuring traditional red phoneboxes must now show they are exclusively used for sex, drugs and public urination.

ED Miliband will take money from pensioners so he can bribe students who are going to vote Labour anyway.

MORE unlikeable people than ever before are gaining promotion at work, it has emerged.

MODERN men have been warned that their fathers could easily kick the shit out of them.

BINGE drinkers are highly sensitive intellectuals coping with the inherent pain of human existence, it has emerged.

THE Daily Mail will never get over the novelty of privately educated people making bad decisions, it has been confirmed.

PEOPLE who have yet to watch Adam Curtis's Bitter Lake have been banned from expressing views on anything.