Society

LOCAL council chief Tom Logan has responded to criticism of his immense salary by confirming he is one lucky mediocre bastard.

A RESTAURANT noted for its ‘vibrant’ and ‘bustling’ atmosphere is really just a wretched hellhole of noise and heat, it has emerged.

HAVING a racist attitude is not something you can reasonably boast about, it has been confirmed.

MEN who cannot find the pub toilet disguise the fact by striding manfully, it has emerged.

CHURCH of England bishops have been accused of meddling in how humans interact.

PEOPLE with t-shirts, tote bags or Twitter bios that say 'Sarf London' have failed to grasp how cockneys talk, it has been claimed.

MEN are unable to have long hair without becoming preening narcissists, it has emerged.

ALL trials are to take place on place on Twitter in order to save money.

THE city of Manchester is to cover all pavements, walls and street furniture with metal spikes to stop locals getting soft.

THE once-popular pastime of staring into the distance for minutes at a time is back in fashion thanks to Wolf Hall and Broadchurch.