Society

BRITONS have been urged to stop covering their arses when they make a hash of things at work.

ELDERLY men have warned the public not to try making friends with them.

WORKERS over 45 are to be given daily breaks to lose themselves in vivid recollections of the past.

RETIRED people allowed to dip into their pension pots have blown the lot on porcelain figurines.

PLAYING loud music on public transport is not a legitimate way of fighting the system, it has emerged.

THOUSANDS of ambitious foetuses have been forced to remain in the womb by the midwives’ strike.

CASUAL outdoor drinkers have gone inside and left the hardcore to continue through the winter months.

YOUR mother is keen to hear what you have in mind for Christmas so she can completely overrule it.

AN anecdote about work has turned into a hellish mess of ill-advised comparisons.

THE average Briton spends 210 hours of their life staring at diggers, it has emerged.