Work

NO-ONE wants to hear about your job, but you’ve got nothing else in your life so here’s how to wank on about it anyway.

YOU had big dreams back at primary school. Vet, Chelsea striker, palaeontologist: which would you be? Let’s see how that worked out.

LOOKING to earn extra cash? These side-hustles will take up all of your spare time and earn you a negligible amount of money.

SARAH Vine has said Boris Johnson was working ’24 hours a day, seven days a week’, which is impossible or he’d be dead. Here are more bullshit claims people make.

TEMPTED to follow your dreams by signing up for a Guardian masterclass? These picks will suit the poncey twat you hope to become.

WELL, I’ve gone and got a proper job. Sort of. But no one warned me working in an office would be such a minefield.

THE sole accomplishment of an office worker’s day of faffing about working from home was a quite detailed drawing of her cat.

CONCERNED you may be accomplishing too much at work? Try these ways to make every email utterly gear-jamming while remaining beyond reproach.

ARE you a tiresome individual determined to follow your pretentious dreams? Read our guide to your next bullshit career move.

THE latest status symbol for smug middle-class dickheads is a shed at the bottom of the garden they can ‘work’ in. But what are they actually doing?