Politics

THE government has apologised for forgetting to announce eight variant Covid hotspots, that democracy is suspended and all drugs are legalised.

SHAKESPEARE. Bill Shakespeare. William Wordsworth Shakespeare. Am I at the wordcount yet? Blast. Have these chapter outlines and give me some money.

AS the country reopens and venues are once again filled with young punters, I, Matt Hancock, have set out a guide to maintaining a high level of vigilance when you’re five pints deep.

BORIS Johnson has got a county court judgement against him for an unpaid debt, same as I have. Here is my guide to some of the things it will stop him doing:

THE Labour party is wondering if it should not just cut to the chase and reappoint Tony Blair as leader.

BORIS Johnson has promised freeports will level up the economy and let Britons to dump all that politically correct nonsense to go back to the 70s.

HER Majesty The Queen will open Parliament today wearing joggers and a hoodie in line with Covid restrictions, it has been confirmed.

AFTER Keir Starmer’s busy weekend rearranging deckchairs, it’s hard to know who’s who in the shadow cabinet and if you’re shadow secretary for transport.

NICOLA Sturgeon has told Boris Johnson to think of an independence referendum not as losing Scotland but as the Tories ruling unchallenged forever.

ARE you broadly left-wing? Does British politics cause you indescribable pain? Here are five things more gratifying than the same miserable election results year after year.