Politics

BORIS Johnson has assured the public that he says ill-thought-out, inflammatory nonsense quite openly, so there is no need to secretly record him.

DAVID Davis plans to halt publication of the government’s Brexit white paper by using his SAS experience to swing through a window on a rope.

THE government is to impose minimum 10-year sentences on anyone attempting to blame police cuts for rising crime, it has announced. 

HEATHROW’S controversial third runway is vital for the forthcoming exodus from this arsed-up country, government officials have confirmed.

THE prime minister has responded to the northern rail crisis by ordering locals off trains and back on narrowboats where they belong. 

ONLY 17 immense Brexit problems have emerged in the last 24 hours, an upbeat Theresa May has confirmed.

THE EU has imposed a 40 per cent tariff on overweight American golf tossers flying over here to lumber around a green near a castle.

THE UK will remain in the customs union with the EU for the short period of time it takes to get a fully-functioning moon base established.  

THE government has given Wetherspoons a rail franchise after the pub chain confirmed it knew nothing about running trains.

PARLIAMENT has voted to continue following orders from Britain’s newspapers or face having their heads metaphorically kicked in.