Sport Headlines

Pink football boots and four other reasons 'the game's gone'

THE Premier League is beset by issues like goals disallowed because two millimetres of a striker's soul has strayed offside. But it happened way before VAR – here's how:

Audi driver speeding on M6 cites Lewis Hamilton as his inspiration

AN Audi driver going at 95mph in the outside lane of the M6 has admitted he would never have believed in himself if not for Lewis Hamilton.

You’re all really bad at this, says Nadal

RAFAEL Nadal has accused his fellow tennis players of being pathetically bad at playing on clay.

Runner replaces photo of husband and children with Strava route

A KEEN runner has replaced the framed photo of her husband and children on her desk with a print-out of her latest Strava route.

Gunnersaurus struggling with universal credit application

GUNNERSAURUS is struggling to complete his application for universal credit after being sacked by Arsenal yesterday.

United to replace Harry Maguire with arthritic garden gnome with glass eye

MANCHESTER UNITED have moved to strengthen their defence by swapping Harry Maguire for an arthritic garden gnome with a glass eye.

Man United awarded further penalty four days later

MANCHESTER United have been awarded a further penalty in last weekend’s match against Brighton & Hove Albion.

The Tory activities you can ignore the Rule of Six for

SHOOTING grouse and stag-hunting are exceptions to the Rule of Six thanks to Conservative lawmakers, but what else?

Premier League noise button make man like god

ONCE I was ordinary man. I watch football on TV. People watching football make noise. I powerless.

Sign our petition for Marcus Rashford to win the Premier League

MARCUS Rashford is a hero who’s given Britain hope. And now it’s time for us to give back, by making him sole winner of the 2019/20 Premier League.

'Hooray, sport is back soon!' say the worst kind of people

A LOAD of absolute knobheads are delighted that sport is back on shortly, as if it mattered.

Footballers picking up 100k a week to have sex with beautiful women when they're not even injured

FOOTBALLERS are currently being paid to have sex with beautiful women and drive expensive cars without having to kick a ball or suffer from thigh strain.