Alcohol

AN office worker with a gin advent calendar is knocking back the contents at 9am every day, colleagues have confirmed.

A WOMAN has decided she can be legitimately drunk from now until January by claiming she is simply getting into the festive spirit.

A WINE shop that is stockpiling as much as booze as possible has been praised for its deep understanding of Britain.

EVERY single man on a stag night is claiming to be ready to keep partying into the early hours while secretly desperate to go to bed.

PEOPLE who go on about gin have been reminded that it should not be used a personality substitute.

DO you fancy having several drinks this evening and need an excuse even if you know it’s bollocks? Try these flimsy but effective justifications.  

LAST night was a heavy one. But are these overwhelming feelings of pain, sickness and despair you’re feeling alcohol-induced, or have you awoken in the Lancashire town of Burnley?

A CAT thought to be missing has actually just been pissing it up with his mates for the last four days.

A MAN has agreed to work this Saturday under the illusion that his boss was aware that he would be a little bit drunk.

A PUB has made the strange decision to play extremely crap music at a deafening volume despite it being loathed by everyone including the staff.