Arts & Entertainment

A MIDDLE-AGED man has asked his favourite bands and music sites to shut the fuck up about all the albums he loved being 20 years old.

MUSICAL artists across the world have been notified that none of them are safe from an unplanned Sean Paul feature.

DALEKS have demanded that the next Doctor Who should be a Dalek.

THE young Han Solo mainly smuggled fags in his ‘space van’ and sold them in pubs, the latest Star Wars film will reveal.

A MAN whose flat is full of posters for films like Casablanca and Apocalypse Now has no idea what any of them are actually about, it has emerged.

PIERS Morgan is currently the frontrunner in a new TV competition to find Britain’s biggest twat.

THE new Resident Evil game is a nerve-jangling journey into the terrifying world of Michael Gove, it has emerged.

THE release of T2 Trainspotting has left a middle-aged man feeling depressed that it is probably too late to become an Edinburgh heroin addict.

GLASTONBURY’S new festival the Variety Bazaar will feature large vegetables, a pig race with obstacles and Lady Gaga running a lucky dip.

A MAN believes he is intellectually superior because he slavishly follows the implausible storylines of Sherlock, he has revealed.