Food

STUCK in for Christmas just like everyone else? Driven by the overwhelming need to feel in some way superior? Get down to Marks and Sparks for your big shop.

A MAN has been told never to return to Yorkshire after accidentally using the wrong name for his midday meal.

A PINT of Guinness counts as a substantial meal in and of itself, the government has confirmed.

A MAN has bought a six-pack of substantial meals to enjoy during his 40-minute lunch break.

WHATEVER you cobble together in the kitchen will be far inferior to any takeaway. But you still need some excuse for getting yet another chicken bhuna. Try these.

THE winner of The Great British Bake Off will leave humanity to work in Mr Kipling’s underground cake catacombs.

CONSIDER yourself too good for normal meals because you read the recipes in The Guardian? Then you’ll love these needlessly complicated versions of basic food.

SO concerned about strangers judging your masculinity that even ordering coffee is a minefield? Worried a pumpkin spice latte could turn you gay? Order these.

A WOMAN baking a cake using a recipe she found online cannot understand why Americans think a ‘cup’ is a rational unit of measurement.

DO food banks only encourage a dependency culture, but you’re compelled to support them by peer pressure? Daily Mail reader Donna Sheridan explains how to donate grudgingly.