Society

A MIDDLE class man refers to his food shopping as 'sourcing ingredients' as opposed to ‘going to the shops’, it has emerged.

A DOG is absurdly optimistic that his owner shifting slightly on the sofa means a long, exciting walk is imminent.

A BABY has been flaunting his rapidly sprouting hair follicles in front of his balding father, it has emerged.

A 25-YEAR-OLD who spent her birthday complaining about being ‘basically middle-aged’ has been advised by older friends to shut the f**k up.

CABINET minister Sajid Javid has told the Baby Boomer generation that if they could just hurry up and die all Britain’s problems would be solved at a stroke.

A MAN who favours the David Beckham look of a sharp suit, beard, quiff and tattoos has suddenly realised how ridiculous he looks.

ADVENTURING archaeologist Indiana Jones is finding it impossible to navigate the Universal Credit system, he has admitted.

ARE you a very rich bastard? Here’s how to not feel guilty about it.

A COUPLE feel it is time to ‘move on’ from friendships with people who are not homeowners, they have revealed.

A PRETENTIOUS knob insists on pronouncing foreign words correctly, it has emerged.