Society

HAVING a big beard and an arm full of tattoos is no longer a sign that you would be handy in a fight.

A MAN who is staying with friends has found himself paralysed by indecision after using the lavatory in the middle of the night.

THE opening of a third bottle of wine is always the point at which everything goes horribly wrong, research has found.

COCKTAILS are nothing more than overpriced bullshit for idiots, cocktail bar staff have confirmed.

CHILDREN are a lot easier to look after than everyone makes out, according to an aunt who has completed a trouble-free 30 minutes.

MIDDLE class people have spent a ‘Day of Rage’ protesting about IKEA, supermarket tomatoes and the quality of their workplace coffee.

WAR, Famine, Pestilence and Death have a fifth companion known as Stupidity, experts have discovered.

KENSINGTON and Chelsea council has called an urgent top-level meeting involving some chilled Chardonnay.

THE arseholes next door have been having an absolute bloody riot in their garden again, it has been confirmed.

A TATTOOED man has found the world so fascinated with his various tattoos that he is to make a living running tours of them.