Society

KENSINGTON and Chelsea council has called an urgent top-level meeting involving some chilled Chardonnay.

THE arseholes next door have been having an absolute bloody riot in their garden again, it has been confirmed.

A TATTOOED man has found the world so fascinated with his various tattoos that he is to make a living running tours of them.

THE average Father’s Day spend is 44 per cent less than Mother’s Day because dads did not suffer between 12 and 72 hours of agony, experts have confirmed.

THE nation’s girlfriends have announced that they do not want any chips, but they will have some of yours.

A COMMITTED atheist who has blocked his friend’s toilet has called upon the mercy of the Lord, he has admitted.

A GROUP of office workers is genuinely puzzled by the relationship success of a complete dickwad they work with, it has emerged. 

AN EASYGOING woman has confirmed she likes everyone except other women of roughly the same age.

A RESTAURANT table of ten is terrified about which wine their rich friend is planning to order.

A WAITROSE shopper kicked right off because the supermarket ran out of her favourite Peter's Yard Artisan Crispbreads.