Society

FAILURE is always an option despite what they tell you, experts have confirmed.

ASYLUM seekers must make themselves identifiable by humming Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones, ministers have confirmed.

AN INSUFFERABLE tit brought his own bowling ball along to the office night-out, it has emerged.

A MAN who has made large holes in his ears is absolutely desperate for your approval.

BRITAIN’S dads are constantly doing unnecessary things to their cars, it has emerged.

ENGLISH Guardian readers are pretending to like Scottish culture, food and drinking habits.

ALCOHOL remains the laziest possible birthday gift that is sincerely appreciated, the UK has confirmed.

24 PEOPLE have been hospitalised by an ignorant person's wheelie case.

THE majority of firefighters are pretty average looking, it has emerged.

PEOPLE who dress their infant children in designer clothes are unimaginably awful, it has been confirmed.