Society

SOUP is continuing to insist it is a main course despite barely functioning as a starter.

ONLY animals go to Heaven, it has emerged.

BRITAIN'S national character now includes the belief that everything is an evil conspiracy.

A SPECIALIST soft play centre for hard evil kids has opened near Swindon.

A TIME capsule containing the Ebola virus, a bent iPhone 6 and a UKIP manifesto has been buried as a warning to future humans.

A COMMUNITY choir that welcomes all singing abilities would quite like it if the tuneless ones stopped turning up, it has emerged.

A BUS driver has confirmed that he welcomes passengers of all races, creeds and sexual orientations provided they do not try to pay with a note.

PASSENGERS on turbulent flights are pretending to read the in-flight magazine while inwardly shitting themselves.

NEW research has found that in any situation involving multiple humans one of them will be deliberately uncooperative.

SCOTLAND is capitalising on being the site of the first act of copulation with a new slogan and flag.