Politics

AFTER years claiming to be a powerful Conservative force, Jacob Rees-Mogg’s attempt to unseat May has left him as humiliated as his tiny mentula left him in the showers at Eton.

THE DUP is increasingly reminding the UK of that one flatmate they had who was always standing in the kitchen, arms folded, furious.

BORIS Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg have held super-secret talks in a proper tree house where girls are not allowed, especially Theresa May and Amber Rudd.

THE prime minister has announced that it is Monday fucking morning and she is still fucking here.

THE UK has reached a Brexit crossroads, but which ill-advised choice will we make and which completely avoidable shitshow will we stumble idiotically into? Here are six possible scenarios:

LEAVE voters who read newspapers from the back forward and watch the news twice a year have confirmed they would still vote for Brexit.

A BUILDER who has caused £8,000 of damage to the kitchen he is supposedly improving has promised he will see the job through.

HAVE you got what it takes to be the next ambitious twat to pick up the poison chalice of Brexit? Take our quiz and find out.

JACOB Rees-Mogg has called a press conference to say he has read the draft Brexit agreement and, against all expectations, absolutely loves it.

DOMINIC Raab has unveiled plans to throw petrol bombs at your house and then petrol bomb the fire engine as soon as it arrives.