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Politics

Scotland too much of a paradise to ever leave, confirm millionaires

SCOTLAND to tax its millionaires because they could never find anywhere nicer to live.

Tactical voters hopelessly confused

TACTICAL voters no longer have any idea who they are meant to be voting for or who they are trying to keep out, they have admitted.

Nigel Farage outside Downing St jiggling legs impatiently

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has begged the Government to just let him take over now because he is too excited to wait any longer.

Miliband now less impressive than D-list celebrity who’s talking shit

ED Miliband is now less convincing than a former member of Hear’Say.

UK to become ‘moneyless’ economy

BRITAIN is to take the idea of the ‘cashless’ economy a step further by becoming a moneyless economy, George Osborne has announced.

Miliband’s brain to be transplanted into manly body

THE brain of Labour leader Ed Miliband is to be transplanted into the body of male model David Gandy.

George Osborne claims to have negotiated second finger of Twix

BRITAIN got two chocolate bars for the price of one following negotiations with a Brussels vending machine, according to George Osborne.

The Mash guide to Labour’s leadership challengers

WHO are the men and women hoping to be loathed slightly less than David Cameron?

Voters to get WW2-style propaganda

BRITONS are to receive crude 1940s-style propaganda from the Conservative party.

My wife makes all my t-shirts, says Cameron

The prime minister has confirmed that all his t-shirts are ethically manufactured by his wife.