Features

The Government’s real and completely amazing no-deal Brexit plans

THE Government has revealed its real no-deal Brexit plans, drawn up by Michael Gove and his 14-year-old son at their Cornish holiday cottage yesterday afternoon.

How to handle a family car journey without jumping out the f*cking window

ARE you about to be trapped inside a metal box on wheels with your family for hours on end? Here’s how to survive:

How important are you at work?

WITH so many people milling about your workplace, it’s sometimes hard to tell if you are senior or just a hapless minion. Let's find out...

How to start an imaginary exercise regime

HAVE you got some great ideas for exercising but can’t manage the ‘actually doing it’ bit? Here’s how to get super-fit entirely in your own imagination.

Nigel Farage’s guide to stand-up

NIGEL Farage recently treated an audience in Sydney to his gags about the royals. Here the Brexit Party leader explains how to have a successful stand-up career on the side.

How to survive a ‘networking event’

HAVE  you been forced to attend some f*cking 'networking event' by your boss and want to top yourself within two minutes of arriving? Here’s how to cope.

What dickish notes are you leaving for people?

DO you like leaving aggressive notes for people in a variety of situations? Here are some great issues to raise with them in furious scrawled rants.

How to mess up a child by telling them some weird sh*t about where babies come from

A GRAPHIC description of the sex act is wrong, but so is telling them that they were delivered in a blanket by a large bird. Here are some other odd lies parents tell.

Quiz: Are you a functional alcoholic, or just 'fun'?

Are you the life and soul of the party, or starting to feel like death? Take our totally scientific quiz to assess your relationship with alcohol.

Top three dating apps that you'll never get to use because you're married with two kids for Christ's sake

DATING apps can be a great way to meet people and even have crazy, no-strings sex but what are the best ones that you'll never get to use?

Five nostalgic things that were sh*t if you’re honest about it

A BIT of nostalgia is excellent, but are you fondly misremembering things that were in fact total boll*cks? Let's find out..

The celebrity’s guide to shagging someone much younger

ARE you a celebrity with lots of money who fancies going out with someone much younger? It’s a great idea that can never go wrong, so here’s how to do it.