Features

Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'

HAVING organised fun with your partner, or grasping for ways to bear their disappointing company? These five activities scream ‘I feel nothing for you’.

Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life

I’M levelling up Britain so that everyone has more opportunities, even though they’ll never amount to anything because they didn’t go to Eton. Here’s how to level up your life.

The social media ars*hole's guide to being right

DETERMINED to win every argument even when you’re clearly wrong? Follow the example of the worst ars*holes on social media:

Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover

IN the new golden age, here are four IKEA products in urgent need of Brexification.

Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p

THE most tangible benefit of Brexit hits Britain this week in the form of three million Brexit 50p coins. But what will you do with yours? 

'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'

OTHER parents seem to be suspicious of me because I genuinely like spending time with my children and don’t moan about them in a ‘comedy’ passive-aggressive way.

This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends

2020 will see chefs, restaurant owners and ‘foodies’ continue to boil everyone’s piss. Here are five predictions for the year’s most bullsh*t food trends.

How to go easy on people who wear hats

WINTER headgear makes most people look like a complete twat, so it can be hard not to make assumptions. Here's how to avoid snap-judgements:

Swiss roll and eight other hot new cultural trends for 2020

Style-based amputations: The increasingly tired beard/tattoo look becomes ‘neo-pirate’ with the addition of wooden legs and designer hand hooks.

The liberal elitists' guide to the brighter side of Brexit

BREXIT is now happening despite the fervent wishes of liberal elitists, but need it be so bad? Here’s how to look on the bright side:

How to ruin Christmas with forced fun

CHRISTMAS is a time of goodwill and frivolity. But it doesn’t have to be. Here’s how to ruin it with forced fun.

How should I vote if I'm too lazy to think for myself?

UNSURE how to vote because you're a lazy bastard who can't be bothered to think? Take our test and have your mind made up for you.