Food

THE preparation time for oven chips has been amended from 15-18 minutes to around eight weeks.

A DAIRY cow has explained to anyone doing Veganuary that if there ceases to be a market for its milk it will cease to live.

A WAFFLE iron received as a Christmas present has prepared the fourth and final waffle it will make before spending the rest of its life in a cupboard.

THE introduction of vegan sausage rolls by Greggs could be the last straw for disaffected Northern communities, it has been warned.

A WOMAN who has only recently become a vegan is getting ready to shit on every angle of Christmas and spoil it for her poor, innocent family.

A WOMAN who bought an orange and praline pumpkin-spiced latte is experiencing intense remorse and lactose-induced bloating.

A SILENT tribute has been paid to a freshly made cup of tea that was tragically abandoned to go cold and undrinkable.

EVERYONE likes a cup of coffee in the morning, and then a further 13 or so at 45-minute intervals throughout the day to quell the shakes, but how many is too many?

CREATORS of a vegetarian burger that ‘bleeds’ are confident that meat-hating vegans are going to love it.

A MIDDLE-CLASS man has levelled up with the acquisition of his very own sourdough starter.