What does your hangover pizza say about you?

IF there’s one thing our divided nation can agree on, it’s getting hammered on Friday and treating the resulting hangover with judiciously applied pizza the next day. But what does your choice say about you?

New vegans warned to monitor self-deception levels

PEOPLE starting a vegan diet need to ensure they are pretending that their food tastes like nicer things, according to experts.

Oven chip cooking time amended to eight weeks

THE preparation time for oven chips has been amended from 15-18 minutes to around eight weeks.

If you don't buy my milk they will kill me, cow tells vegans

A DAIRY cow has explained to anyone doing Veganuary that if there ceases to be a market for its milk it will cease to live.

Waffle iron makes its fourth and final waffle

A WAFFLE iron received as a Christmas present has prepared the fourth and final waffle it will make before spending the rest of its life in a cupboard.

Greggs' vegan sausage roll 'is against the will of the people'

THE introduction of vegan sausage rolls by Greggs could be the last straw for disaffected Northern communities, it has been warned.

Brand new vegan excited to ruin Christmas for everyone

A WOMAN who has only recently become a vegan is getting ready to shit on every angle of Christmas and spoil it for her poor, innocent family.

Woman who tried festive-themed coffee full of self-loathing and dairy

A WOMAN who bought an orange and praline pumpkin-spiced latte is experiencing intense remorse and lactose-induced bloating.

Minute's silence for cup of tea left to die on windowsill by ungrateful woman

A SILENT tribute has been paid to a freshly made cup of tea that was tragically abandoned to go cold and undrinkable.

Is fourteen cups of coffee a day too many?

EVERYONE likes a cup of coffee in the morning, and then a further 13 or so at 45-minute intervals throughout the day to quell the shakes, but how many is too many?