Food

A WOMAN has discovered that planning a week in advance what she will eat for every meal really frees her from any spontaneous happiness.

MEAT suppliers are falling over each other to rhapsodise about how happy and fulfilled their livestock were before being slaughtered to please you.

CARNIVORES have demanded special fake vegetables made out of meat after seeing the variety of plant-based sausages, bacon and beef available.

CELEBRITY chef Jamie Oliver has struck another blow against low-quality cuisine by barricading the doors of his own restaurants.

THE watery bit in the top of every bottle of tomato ketchup is put there just to spite you, it has been confirmed.

A MAN who recently discovered that other people sometimes have food left at the end of their meal is still trying to understand how it happens.

THE humble British crisp has beaten banh mi, pulled pork empanadas and slow-cooked beef burritos to be named Best Street Food.

ADULTS have been enviously eyeing the straightforward and tasty children’s menu in a London gastropub, it has emerged.

A CARTOON baker is confident that nothing will happen to the freshly-baked pie he has placed by an open window to cool.

A GASTROPUB has given up on making its vegan food taste good and is using cardboard instead, with no effect on sales.