No-deal Brexit will mean only three flavours of crisps

A NO-DEAL Brexit will mean that Britain’s only crisp flavours will be ready salted, salt ’n’ vinegar and cheese ’n’ onion, manufacturers have confirmed.

Man destroys kitchen trying to spread cold butter on toast

A MAN has done significant damage to his home and its contents by attempting to spread butter straight out of the fridge.

Dad develops strange new personality every time he talks to a waitress

A FATHER-OF-TWO puts on a strange, jocular personality whenever he is in a restaurant, to the extreme discomfort of his family and female waiting staff.

Food stuffed in your face while cooking still counts, say experts

FOOD consumed while you are cooking still counts as food, nutritionists have claimed.

Flexitarian diet perfect for people who like meat and total bollocks

THE flexitarian diet is perfect for people who love both meat and a load of bollocks, it has been claimed.

Allotment grower gets cost down to £35 per tomato

A MAN growing his own vegetables has managed to reduce the cost-per-unit of his tomatoes to just £35.18 per tomato.

Man genuinely believes smoothie could cure hangover

A HUNGOVER man is unreasonably expecting a fruit smoothie to do all the work of restoring him after an eight-hour booze bender.

Veganuary participants warned to begin with eggs and work their way up

VEGANUARY participants re-entering the omnivorous world have been warned to begin with eggs rather than going straight to the hard stuff.

Five vegetarian cooking tips that defeat the point of eating vegetables

DO you want to perk up your vegetarian meals in a way that instantly cancels out the benefits of eating vegetables? Try these cooking techniques.

Woman loses argument with her dog

A WOMAN has lost an argument with her own dog about whether he deserved to be fed again.