What does your 'milk alternative' choice say about you?

DO YOU prefer disgusting synthetic milk to the normal kind? Here’s what your alternative milk choice says about you.

Woman who got toilet code at Starbucks without buying anything recruited by MI5

A WOMAN who gained access to the toilets at Starbucks without a purchase has been recruited by the UK’s security services.

World Tofu Council meets to figure out what the f**k tofu is

THE international body regulating the worldwide production and sale of tofu have called an urgent summit to solve the mystery of tofu.

Breakfast in bed just a massive pain in the arse

HAVING breakfast in bed is not actually enjoyable and just involves lots of discomfort and mess, it has been confirmed.

Middle aged man vows to one day find out what a carb is

A 55-YEAR-OLD reading the newspaper over a full cooked breakfast has renewed his commitment to discovering what a carb is.

Some bastard at restaurant always wants to try a bit of everyone's food

MOST group visits to a restaurant include some git who wants to have a bit of other people’s meals, research has confirmed.

Are you a cookery ponce?

HAVE you got too into cookery and become the sort of tosser who throws a strop if you can’t find the right anchovies? Take our test and find out.

Guardian reader dad vows to get family through halloumi shortage

A MIDDLE-CLASS man has vowed to do “whatever it takes” to make sure his family survives the current halloumi cheese shortage.

Scientists confirm there is not enough alcohol in the world to make a vegan kebab enjoyable

THERE is not enough alcohol in the world to make a vegan kebab delicious, scientists have confirmed.

Wetherspoons' beer shortage could be followed by Wetherspoons' inedible food shortage

PUB chain Wetherspoons has admitted that their beer shortage could be followed by a shortage of food only palatable to drunks.