Food

Token vegan item on pub menu made with actual cardboard

A GASTROPUB has given up on making its vegan food taste good and is using cardboard instead, with no effect on sales.

Woman incapable of drinking entire mug of tea

A WOMAN who appears normal in every other respect is unable to drink more than two-thirds of a mug of tea.

How the f**k is this a 'cake'? ask dieters

PEOPLE on diets are wondering how flattened pieces of shrivelled matter can possibly be called ‘cakes’.

Nobody tosses pancakes, kids told

CHILDREN across Britain have been informed that absolutely nobody turns pancakes over by flipping them up in the air and catching them perfectly in the pan.

Vegetarian pays £14 for quite large mushroom in a bun

A VEGETARIAN at a burger restaurant has paid £14 for a big mushroom in a bun.

No-deal Brexit will mean only three flavours of crisps

A NO-DEAL Brexit will mean that Britain’s only crisp flavours will be ready salted, salt ’n’ vinegar and cheese ’n’ onion, manufacturers have confirmed.

Man destroys kitchen trying to spread cold butter on toast

A MAN has done significant damage to his home and its contents by attempting to spread butter straight out of the fridge.

Dad develops strange new personality every time he talks to a waitress

A FATHER-OF-TWO puts on a strange, jocular personality whenever he is in a restaurant, to the extreme discomfort of his family and female waiting staff.

Food stuffed in your face while cooking still counts, say experts

FOOD consumed while you are cooking still counts as food, nutritionists have claimed.

Flexitarian diet perfect for people who like meat and total bollocks

THE flexitarian diet is perfect for people who love both meat and a load of bollocks, it has been claimed.