Society

A GROUP of noisy neighbours turned off their music after a man seriously considered going over there, it has been revealed. 

A TWO-PLY ultra strong tissue has emerged mostly intact from a wild ride in a washing machine, it has been confirmed.

He hasn’t stopped playing with it. No, seriously, he will not stop.

A MAN is aiming for a new record by wrapping all his presents in under six minutes, less than half an hour before they are due to be opened.

THE Sellotape and scissors cannot be found because they have disappeared on a doomed, crime-packed road trip, it has emerged.

AN INSUFFERABLE sense of seasonal joy is said to be highly contagious and on a merciless rampage through the nation, doctors have warned.

A MAN is furious after being given no option but to cart bulky Christmas presents on a full pub crawl.

A WOMAN whose boyfriend is a keen amateur songwriter has told him she only wants a present that has been bought in a shop, with actual money, this Christmas.  

PRETENTIOUS tossers are unnecessarily announcing that they want to ‘unplug’ and ‘take a few days out’ from social media over Christmas.

A ROBIN has confirmed he is not the vessel of a deceased grandparent returned to visit the family for Christmas, and is just eating some seeds.