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Society

Man can't help putting on weird accent when he talks to workmen

A MIDDLE-CLASS man cannot prevent himself putting on a strange working-class accent when he meets people who do physical work.  

Don’t put evidence of doing bad things on Facebook, f**kwits told

IT is a bad idea to put evidence of crimes, cheating the system and extramarital affairs on Facebook, morons have been advised.  

People who call you 'mate' may actually despise you

A NEW study has revealed that ‘mate’ is often used as verbal camouflage by people who think the person they are addressing is a twat or worse.

Primary school teachers sad for child named Tiberius

TEACHERS at a primary school are sad to see yet another middle-class child who has been given a ridiculous name.  

How are you pretending not to be middle-aged?

NO ONE can avoid getting older, but you can pretend to be 25 when you’re in your mid-40s and beyond. So which desperate, embarrassing measures are you opting for?

Mum reckons she’ll have done a good job as long as kids don’t grow up to be twats

A WOMAN does not think her children are destined for greatness and will just be glad if they are not twats.

Student to do three years of work in next ten weeks

A STUDENT has announced that she will be spending the next two-and-a-half months completing three full years of work, as planned.

Record number of British people pretending they're not British

A RECORD number of embarrassed British people are pretending to be foreign.

Dictionaries give up and add second 'o' to 'lose'

DICTIONARIES have admitted defeat and announced that from now on ‘lose’ will be spelt ‘loose’.  

Britons getting wankered on caffeine before going to coffee shops

THE high price of lattes and mochas is causing Britons to ‘pre-load’ on coffee at home before going to cafes.