Society

THE government has been criticised for giving all £50m of its new schools funding to the elitist institution Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

ANYONE who says ‘We were just talking about you’ has definitely just been laughing about your failings as a human being.  

A DRIVER who overtakes as if he is in the Grand Prix invariably ends up at traffic lights just two cars ahead of people he has overtaken.  

AN attractive show-off is forcing her less sexy colleagues to do a naked charity stunt, it has emerged.  

ARE you a tiresome fucker with strong opinions on everything from higher education to pet care, despite knowing nothing about them? Take our quiz and find out.

A 24-YEAR-OLD has applauded a new plan to give her £10,000 and promised not to waste it on drugs, holidays, and drugs on holiday.

A DRINK at a local pub has been arranged without being discussed at length via a moronic Whatsapp group.

A COUPLE only see their friends so they can slag them off on the drive home, they have admitted.

A WOMAN does not actually have to give her candid opinion in a blunt and tactless way, it has emerged.

BRITONS are only able to express their true emotional state when a pub worker drops a tray of glasses, it has been confirmed.